I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
