this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize