I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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