Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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