I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
