when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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