omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
