My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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