i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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