I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
