if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize