I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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