there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
