i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
