I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
