Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
