so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
