My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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