is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
