Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize