Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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