dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Randomize
