You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
