you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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