never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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