She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
