:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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