I'm so fucking centered right now
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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