im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
