Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize