I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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