maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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