You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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