she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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