oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
