I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
