for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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