Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
