Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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