I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
