I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Will you blow on my dice?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
