I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
