I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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