theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
