Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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