So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
