a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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