I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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