Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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