McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
