thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
