Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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