my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
