That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Such a big mess for such a small penis
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
