My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize