I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
